I spent this morning and most of the afternoon in silent meditation. For the first time in a long while, my house was quiet and I had the pleasure of being completely alone and peacefully in tune with my thoughts. Many changes have occurred of late and I have not had one moment to process. Between kids, pets and life, I felt like I was spinning on the whim of some great dust devil wind. Three weeks ago, I left my job and I have tried ever since then to take some time to decide where my spirit will guide me. I felt directionless except for the nagging voice in my head that called for me to, “do what you love, not what makes sense”. I heard that familiar voice and tried to ignore it, but it’s hard to ignore your dreams when they come knocking.
Five years ago I was laid off from my job du jour and was forced to seek new employment. The task of finding a position similar in distance from my home and in workload was nearly impossible so, with a few bucks from my income tax return, I started a small catering company. I loved it! I felt like I really had found my place in the world until the reality of the situation, or better my fear of the situation, caused me to take a regular 9-5 job. I lamented closing down my little dream come true, but I felt I needed more security for my children and myself. Reflecting, that was a decision based purely out of fear and a self-imposed vision of what was going on in my life.
Like the good little worker bee I am, I tucked my chin and headed off into the stormy unknown of my new job. Three years later and I was a wreck. All the fears I had with my little catering company were nothing compared to the mess I found myself in now. I tried each and every day to approach my employer and coworkers with an “it’s a fresh new day”, kind of outlook but, they saw it with a same day/same BS reasoning. I fell into that mode of thinking as well. Met with negativity at every turn, I became the poster child for unhappy people everywhere. I felt like I was two entities fighting to survive in one skin. At home and play, I tried to soak up every minute I had, wore myself out enjoying my weekends to the fullest. By Monday, I was in tears having to return to the work I had come to despise. It took a toll on everything in my life from my health to my relationships. I was done mentally, but hadn’t found a way to physically leave it all behind and take a leap of faith. Even with the constant encouragement from an ex-employee, I couldn’t just walk away. I tried taking some baby steps first.
I started yoga and really focused on what felt right and of importance to me. I must thank my wonderful Yoga Instructor Lee for his insightful observations on living a meaningful life while working my butt off at an unconstructive job. The change in my mindset allowed me to begin the process of dealing with change. Lee taught me that in Yoga as in life, when things feel uncomfortable, that doesn’t necessarily mean they are bad. I pondered that. One foot went into the river (the easy flow of life) and I began making mental lists that if written down would have looked something like this.
Find Love, Happiness, and Peace in my life
Feel my Passion again
Find my Bliss
Live without Fear
Be a Creator
Make more time to enjoy my family and friends
Do what I would do if I knew I would not fail
GET A BACKBONE
I meditated over all my options and couldn’t seem to find any way out of my current situation or better, my comfort zone. I didn’t give up though. I decided to envision only what I wanted, not what I didn’t want and believed doors would open for me where there had only been walls. In no time at all a crack appeared and light streamed in.
An old friend was going through a similar life moment. He too was weary with his job and the life he had chosen to create for all the wrong reasons. One night as I sat dreaming of the life I would like to be creating, I had a thought. Why not? Why can’t I have my cake and eat it too? Hell, I’ll even bake the damn thing myself! The more I thought about it the better it sounded, tasted and felt. I sent my friend a message inviting him to move back home and take the leap with me. He could be back where he longed to be and we could begin soulfully creating a vision of the life we both wanted. Within 2 months, I am smack-dab in the middle of that creation. Let me tell you friends, it is the most exciting, scary, exhilarating time. There are moments of total chaos, but it is my dream coming forth from that chaos. I still have lots to do to put the finishing details on this vision, but the outline is well-defined and the image is clear. Creativity reins in my house and courses through my veins. I feel alive again. I feel such gratitude for my friend with his willingness to take a leap with me, to my old boss for all he taught me and to my ex coworkers for showing me how I don’t want to live. Being in a creative mode is how life was intended to be lived. Being grateful, giving thanks and passing along our own unique gifts is how to feed the spirit and bring joy to others.
Even in the midst of chaos, I am able to stay centered and know this too shall pass. I am able to feel my way down the path to the river of dreams, where the water flows straight to the sea of infinite possibilities and know I am the creator of this life. I am able to witness energies all around me, colliding and exploding, some falling away from me and others connecting with me and I am not wavering in my conviction to live my live to its fullest potential.
Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson~
Thank you my sweet friends and loving family for putting up with me during this time of transformation