Posted by: LLS | July 29, 2012

Goldilocks

This week was a strange one for me, but very interesting and full of self-discovery moments. As I reported last week, I decided to just lie down in the stream of life and allow only good feeling experiences to flow into my world. It has been working. Change your mind, change your attitude, and change your life. I had days at work filled with laughter despite what was happening around me. I had fun with my son who has been pretty grumpy since coming back home to “mean old mom’s house”, his choice, Dad got old fast.

In the middle of all this was a man I had met online last year, just before the Cowboy Incident. We used to chat and do these silly quizzes back and forth. You know the kind, you ask questions like, favorite food? Batman or Superman? Movies or books? Rock n roll, country or Indie… He always answered every question the way I would had they been asked of me and apparently, I did the same for his questions. I have to admit, I thought it was pretty impressive at the time. We did this until I canceled my account, thinking I had found someone I had enough interest in to get out of the dating scene.  Yeah I was wrong there, but who knew? Update, Cowboy is still happily married or so it seems and now that it doesn’t piss me off so much, I am happy for him.

Anyway, a few weeks ago I was cleaning out the 7000 emails I had stuffed into a folder labeled “Haven’t Gone Through Yet”, those pesky emails you keep in case you need a phone number or directions to somewhere or an online receipt for your gas bill. As I was going through them, half-heartily enjoying that I was getting rid of junk, I came across an email from Quiz Guy. I re-read all the questions/answers and it piqued my interest all over again. So I sent him a short note saying how much I used to enjoy our quizzes and I wished him well. He replied, fast, and so began another round of question/answer sessions followed by picture exchanges. Again, he blew my mind with his very detailed answers. This time I pulled stuff out of the air that I wasn’t even sure how I felt on the topics and he astounded me. It really made me wonder why on Earth we had stopped communicating?

The most important thing I have come to realize is I can keep myself out of trouble simply by listening to my little voice. When it says “Really? You don’t even like country music!” I should have agreed and kept on going. When it said, “Really? You believe he has changed after 7 years of nothing ever changes?” I should have closed the door and locked it. In this river, I am now floating down, I feel my way through a situation and act only on what feels right. When it said, “Hummm, this guys is pretty darn interesting.”  I should have listened. I didn’t do that before, I made excuses for poor behavior or overlooked things that I should have looked deeper into or swept under the carpet things that I knew would one day be my reason to run the other direction. I ran a lot. Had I felt my way through any given situation, there would never have been a reason to run, it never would have gone that far. People are who they are and appear to us exactly the way we need them to, in order for us to decide how we feel and then to grow. A saying I love is God only sends us angels. In the middle of drama, it doesn’t always feel that way. I have to remember I’m creating this and it’s kinda like you get what you ask for, the good, the bad and the perfect.

So back to quiz guy. A week of questions and he was still hitting the nail on the head every time. It’s been a little scary, but lots of fun.  Then the real question came, “When can we meet?” I froze. I don’t want this seemingly perfect man to turn out to be, less than perfect. So what did I do? Became vague and noncommittal. Miss Direct and In-depth Quiz Answer-er became Miss Undecided and Reluctant.  Think that went over well? Think again. Haven’t heard a word.

I sat down and thought about it, meditated on it and decided I am a living Goldilocks. I want perfection. Not in the sense that everything has to be perfect, it just has to feel perfect to ME. Not too hot or too cold, not too big or soft, not too small, but just right. Will I hear from Quiz Guy again? Who knows? Do I care? Yes, I have to admit I do. I am totally intrigued by his words. Words mean a lot in this house, but actions always, ALWAYS speak much louder than words. He seems very funny and from what I can tell, is very nice looking. If he comes around I will decide based on my little voice’s opinion and act if and only if it feels Just Right. I don’t want to end up running the other direction because he turned out to be a Bear. I truly hope that isn’t the case…

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