Posted by: LLS | July 22, 2012

Into the Stream

So I discovered I am depressed. It hadn’t occurred to me that this was the problem. I thought I had just become incredibly lazy. I didn’t really care that I haven’t cleaned house in weeks, mowed the lawn (apologies to neighbors), washed or cleaned out my car that now looks like a homeless person has taken up residence, done the dishes or even bought food. My son has been staying with his father because he has no bedtime or diet requirements, or screening of what he watches on the too much TV/video games he watches while at daddy’s house, which makes coming back to mean old mom’s not so fun, and my daughter, when not working or sleeping, is with her BF. I am alone…a lot. At first it was fine, fun even, then it got lonely and my mind began to dredge up memories and create negative images of how my life would turn out in the future. I’d die old and alone with lots of cats. I’d be living in my dirty car and my kids wouldn’t even remember my birthday. I’d see my ex lover, (the one I left so I could live a happier life) walking down the street, still young and beautiful, (the mind is evil that way) arm in arm with some hot chick and he’d not recognize me, the bag lady, staring at him with tears running down her wrinkled old cheeks.

For several weeks this “poor me” behavior continued on the inside. On the outside, I attend yoga, go to work, smile,  and visit with my friends, but inside I felt like I was dying. I say felt because I made a few, well one adjustment, so read on.

I discovered, it’s impossible to plan for the future if you can’t even plan lunch. I was in a dark hole and I cried at the slightest thing. Tears brimmed my eyes with unnatural ease regularly. I felt like a zombie, walking along, going about my day in a mindless state of no direction. It was/is miserable. I realized I was sinking into a real funk and decided I better do something to pull myself out. I made an appointment with my hypnotherapist, a woman I swear is magic. I hadn’t seen her in several years because for the most part my life was going along fine. At least I thought it was, now I know my funk had been building for a long time. After my session, I felt better. By the next day I could laugh, not just at myself, but actually feel joy again.  I was able to see things more clearly and felt like my backbone, previously made of jello, was regrouping and becoming a spine again.  I even wrote a letter to my boss explaining some issues I was having with work that I needed to share. Don’t know if he ever got it and don’t care, it made me feel better. I began to ease back into my life. It’s been a few weeks and though I haven’t jumped in with both feet again, I am wading and the water feels pretty good.

I figured out a huge part of my problem is my normal mode of operation has changed. I’m about taking action and I haven’t been doing anything to propel me into my next whatever. I stopped creating. I have nothing to plan for, nothing to build on, nothing to look forward to seeing the final outcome of. I believe as humans we are here to create and if we aren’t creating, we aren’t happy. Creating connects us to something unforeseen but deeply felt. When we feel disconnected from this energy, this flow, we become disenchanted and unhappy or depressed, thus my current state. We, better yet I, forget this stale state was also self-created, but it doesn’t feel that way. It feels like things are happening to us. I know that is never really the case, but you can easily make that be the case if you don’t become fully aware and look at your life as a canvas. I feel like I have lost my paints and brushes. My proverbial canvas is sitting in the corner blank and waiting but I just covered it with a drop cloth. I lack vision. I lack inspiration even more. I can’t create the masterpiece of my life with no clue what I envision it to look like. Some ideas roll around in my head, but nothing says YES that’s IT, and honestly, I didn’t feel like I cared anymore. Don’t worry about telling me I’m spoiled or immature, or lack gratitude for my mere existence; I’ve told myself all those things and worse. I am, as always, quite capable of beating myself up, I’m a pro. So what is it, what is missing that has stolen my smile, my will to keep going, my drive to move not just forward, but in any positive direction? Not sure, but I think frankly, I am scared. Fear has paralyzed me. I am scared to take a step, scared to try to move into the next phase of my life. I could complain my kids are growing up, I’m single, in debt, hate my job and I have no plan. Join the club right. Pretty much my whole life I have found myself at these moments, these crossroads where I just sit down and ask the Universe, what now?

Here is where the change in me has taken place. Before, I would immediately move in some direction that I felt was the logical next step. Even when I knew it was probably not the best choice, it was movement, it was a direction and that felt better.  Now, nothing, no idea. I have met the enemy and she is me. With no clue I am at the mercy of my own fears. So for once I am going to do nothing. Yep not a thing. My next step is just going to be to take a step if and when I feel like it and not one second sooner. I am giving up. Not in the negative “I give up” sense, but in the I am going to go with the flow  and stop trying to control the flow sense. I have decided to lay down in the river of life and let the current take me. I have a vision of a future that resembles a Monet painting, faint and barely in focus, but the images are there no matter how undefined. I know what my dreams have always been and that I was too scared to reach for them. Better yet, I struggled to reach for them which made them an impossible struggle. I am no longer struggling with my future. I can’t control anything except my thoughts and my desires.  My desire now is to slide into the river, lay back and float into my bliss. I don’t have to have a road map or a plan. I don’t have to figure everything out. I don’t have any attachments to the outcome. This is a trip I have said I would take for years and I am leaving my heavy luggage behind, lest it weigh me down. I am giving up the fight and stepping into the stream. My only agenda is to let go and know in this moment everything is fine, because this moment is all that really matters.

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Responses

  1. So glad to have found your blog, thank you for sharing! I suffer from depression also and sometimes it over takes my life in more ways than one. I hope you continue to find peace :)

    • Thank you so much. I take one minute at a time.
      Peace to you as well.

  2. You always seem to write something that I may really need. I could soooo related to you and the depression part. What a period that was for me and I feel like I’m just now getting to the other side. :)

    • I am so glad to know I’m not alone. I love your words too. We seem to run along the same path. Nice to have a sister who gets me. Just keep swimming :)


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