I found myself in a familiar situation this morning. It was no surprise…I woke up a Mom. A tired, half here half somewhere else Mom; caught between being a mother to my children, a working woman, a daughter, a sister, and friend; when all I wanted to be was sleeping. I had 11 unanswered messages from work, a hungry son, a million animals needing a doorman, a mother awaiting a phone call and I knew I was out of coffee.
I pulled my aching body from the bed I shared with two dogs, two cats and one child and shuffled to the kitchen to hopefully find enough grounds in the bottom of several bags of coffee I’d set aside for this very reason, to make at least one full cup. Hallelujah it worked! I leaned against the counter watching the mixed brew liquid gold stream into the pot, dripping way too slow I might add, and reflected on my life.
I grew up too fast. I rushed into being an adult, wanting a house of my own and some perfect marriage I imagined existed. It never worked out that way, far from it, but I found myself with these two awesome children, a direct result of a long string of bad decisions. I have never been so thankful for the mistakes I made that gave me the life I have now. Would I change anything? Sure a few things, but given the chance to do it all again, I would insist on ending up with these same kids and all the same dear friends. I’d lose a few of the men if I could keep these two kids, but Immaculate Conception wasn’t in the cards for me.
I started thinking about the pieces of our lives that fill our hearts; sectioned into all the pieces that make up the whole. (I tend to compartmentalize everything, I’m a Virgo, sorry.) I have these children that I fell in love with when they were sharing my body, jabbing me in the ribs to the point of painful discomfort. The moment I met them face to face, each instantly owned a piece of my heart. I have my mother, who I now understand better than I would like to admit and who I feel immense respect for, she raised me after all and what a task that must have been. I have these women I call friends, which the word alone is so loosely used I am constantly looking for a word that better describes these sisters of mine. Soul Sisters comes the closest to the feelings these women evoke when I think of them. I have male friends and a brother that feel more like protective guardians over anything else. And I have the love of my life that no matter how hard I try to forget and leave and ignore, just won’t go away. He has held a piece since the first time I laid eyes on his fool ass. Anyway, these pieces of my heart, I see them like a stained glass window; all fitting together perfectly and needing each other to make the whole of my heart-picture be perfect. They are tough and fierce and would lay a mountain to be protected and they can be broken as easily as thin glass. They can feel uncertain, hidden and illude me at times, and they can swell with pride and bring about a sea of tears. They can feel too near the surface and raw, like a splinter being rubbed the wrong way over and over again and they can feel too big to handle or too cloudy to see my way through. Yet the whole of it, the big huge picture is so fine, beautiful and perfect. The lead that fills in the seams and holds it all together is unconditional love. How wonderful and empowering that feels.
So on this Mother’s Day I feel above all else…thankful. Each step of this journey has led me to discover what makes up my heart center, the essence of my being and that is the relationships I hold and cherish. To me Mother’s Day is a celebration of the feminine essence, it’s not just about being a Mom, but more the embracing of the feminine side of our being and loving what makes us unique. We are all pieces of the whole universal heart and we are all connected by love.
Happy Mother’s Day to all you perfect pieces of my heart.