Posted by: LLS | March 31, 2012

Freedom

After many years of loving someone who just never can seem to show up as the person you hope for, one has to accept the fact that, more than likely, it’s never going to happen. I understand now more than ever each experience is our own creation and people show up in ours lives exactly as we expect them to, good or bad. My long time love has proven this to me time and time again, bless him for that. We split more than a year ago, yet it seems like yesterday. Not meaning that I miss him and feel the loss, more like I haven’t missed us at all. This time I’ve spent in self discovery has flown by as time does when you’re having the time of your life.

Looking back I see, as the saying goes, “we are only sent angels”. My angel came in the form of a free spirited, self loving (not in a good way, quite the opposite) man who is, if nothing else, true to his nature. For me that nature was like repeatedly drinking the Kool-aid of discontent. My choice, my mistake but, it always tasted so good and it always left a stain on my lips. Highs were high as a kite, lows the valley of despair. Yet I kept allowing this relationship, this unrelenting self abusive life, which repeatedly left me standing still, frozen in time and stagnant. I couldn’t see my way past it and I didn’t have the guts to end it.

So many horrifically negative things took place between us, each experience seemingly worse than the last yet I clung tight to the life raft I was constantly patching. When I had choked down another mouth full of the water in which I was drowning, I realized I was sharing this tattered and tired personal flotation device and it wasn’t going to hold us both up for much longer. I finally pulled the plug and remembered I could swim. Not only remembered, but loved to swim. A virtual mermaid I am. The freedom of propelling oneself, not so much away from something but more to something, through liquid splendor is like no other. Pure bliss!

It’s ironic that the final straw was so insignificant compared to all the past problems, yet this little issue was all it took for me to free myself with a tremendous feeling of relief. Ten times the relief I would feel after a fight when I would concede just to feel safe and like everything was “right” again. Living for that moment he would accept my millionth apology, apologizing for everything I could think I might have done wrong and things I knew I hadn’t, just to get that relief. Just to stop feeling fear of the unknown. When my mind was at last able to release the belief I was helpless, and I broke what I now see as a lifelong pattern, relief washed over me like a tidal wave of clean, refreshing water and the scary unknown was a fascinating, adventurous destination I couldn’t wait to reach and explore.

I feel alive and free and happy and whole. It seems like it took a lifetime to reach this place and a blink of an eye to arrive. Weird how whole I feel alone, how complete and connected and weightless. The only regret, for lack of a better word, is that it took so long for me to find my fins…

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Responses

  1. Oh My!! What I’ve quoted from this post is exaclty the way I feel right now!!

    “Ten times the relief I would feel after a fight when I would concede just to feel safe and like everything was “right” again. Living for that moment he would accept my millionth apology, apologizing for everything I could think I might have done wrong and things I knew I hadn’t, just to get that relief. Just to stop feeling fear of the unknown”

    I think in a sense I’m still waiting to feel my total freedom from a past relationship that ended so abruptly, one that I had to find closure within myself so I could move on, get through my days. And I’m finding that I’m such an awesome person, alone and by myself. I’m learning to make me happy.

    This post just hits home with me on so many levels. So very glad I’ve stumbled upon your blog! xoxo

    • Thank you so much!!! I appreciate your kind words. I have to tell you I just made a few changes to it. I tend to rewrite to a fault :) Enjoy your freedom, as I am doing the same and have a great weekend!!! :)

  2. Nicely written. I feel that I am in the same boat at times, so it’s encouraging (sort of – you know what I mean !) to see that I’m not the only one who experiences this. I do my very best to prevent myself from stagnating, but at times it is as if I am being made to stagnate by the utter lack of actions of another.

    Thanks for the post, and good luck with your new, brighter future.

    • Thank you Danny for your encouragement and kind words. I did make a few changes to it, I tend to rewrite to a fault. Good luck to you as well. Freedom is in fact, a state of mind or at least mindset :) …enjoy your weekend!!!

  3. Wanted to make sure you had my correct info!!

  4. […] Freedom (laurenleigh111.wordpress.com) Share this:FacebookLinkedInTwitterLike this:LikeOne blogger likes this post. […]


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